A daughter's guilt
Friday, June 08, 2007
Does every child ever think about his or her parent or parents dying?
For these past few days, I couldn't help but consider that. I wondered what if something happened to my mom. What then? What of my dad? What of Megan? What of my brother and the house? How am I going to handle it? How am I going to handle not having a mother who has celebrated the smallest things about my life with me?
I am not being insensitive nor am I being too dramatic. These were realities I found myself really pondering over and over for hours yesterday. It went on for so long I decided to just apply primer to our walls to divert my focus. Since I am so far away, I can easily entertain the worst visions of my mom in bed, weak and pale. Or my mom limping and not smiling like she always does. Or my mom just in bed, immobile, period. These visions come and go and I hate myself for entertaining them. I mean, what kind of a daughter am I if I allow myself to think these things? I do feel guilty but I also feel like I want to prepare myself for anything.
Yesterday, my mom texted that she is feeling a little better despite the nausea and vomiting. Everytime she texts, I am happy. Because that means she has enough strength to send me messages. Unlike for the past few days where I didn't hear from her because she was going through a tough bout with the new medicine and new sodium-less diet. Poor Mom. The years of consuming all those pan de sals and Cokes, she is suffering.
My daily prayer has been that God takes away her pain. That if she has to go through it, she go through it with the least pain possible. I am optimistic and hopeful. And talking to friends like Sasha and Buttwipe help me get through it. I can't believe how much Sasha and I have in common. Her mom is diabetic too and is going through the same complications as my mom. The other night, I felt like exploding with tears that I asked Buttwipe to call me. Hoen was already asleep and I didn't want to bug him. I told Mommy Buttwipe's advise and she took it rather well. I hate being away but at the same time, just as well. Mixed feelings. Ambut. I am just rambling.
For these past few days, I couldn't help but consider that. I wondered what if something happened to my mom. What then? What of my dad? What of Megan? What of my brother and the house? How am I going to handle it? How am I going to handle not having a mother who has celebrated the smallest things about my life with me?
I am not being insensitive nor am I being too dramatic. These were realities I found myself really pondering over and over for hours yesterday. It went on for so long I decided to just apply primer to our walls to divert my focus. Since I am so far away, I can easily entertain the worst visions of my mom in bed, weak and pale. Or my mom limping and not smiling like she always does. Or my mom just in bed, immobile, period. These visions come and go and I hate myself for entertaining them. I mean, what kind of a daughter am I if I allow myself to think these things? I do feel guilty but I also feel like I want to prepare myself for anything.
Yesterday, my mom texted that she is feeling a little better despite the nausea and vomiting. Everytime she texts, I am happy. Because that means she has enough strength to send me messages. Unlike for the past few days where I didn't hear from her because she was going through a tough bout with the new medicine and new sodium-less diet. Poor Mom. The years of consuming all those pan de sals and Cokes, she is suffering.
My daily prayer has been that God takes away her pain. That if she has to go through it, she go through it with the least pain possible. I am optimistic and hopeful. And talking to friends like Sasha and Buttwipe help me get through it. I can't believe how much Sasha and I have in common. Her mom is diabetic too and is going through the same complications as my mom. The other night, I felt like exploding with tears that I asked Buttwipe to call me. Hoen was already asleep and I didn't want to bug him. I told Mommy Buttwipe's advise and she took it rather well. I hate being away but at the same time, just as well. Mixed feelings. Ambut. I am just rambling.
posted by maudester @ 11:08 PM
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