Listen to the Beat

Mom-bling
Friday, June 01, 2007

I hadn't cried in a long time but the other night, I had to surrender to the internal waterfall.

My mom has been diagnosed with diabetes for a little over a decade now. I can't describe just how much her life changed since then. She used to be all over the place-- shopping at malls, going up and down those San Carlos stairs, picking us up, going to church, playing with/for the choir and all sorts of activities. She used to beg us to go to the beach impromptu on Sunday

s. Since then, she had to retire early, that nerve she hurt while dancing ballet as a kid now feels like hell, she has had arterosclerosis making her feet swell which made it hard for her to walk for long, our fridge once adorned with all sorts of foods and groceries now emptied with nothing but healthy foods for her so she doesn't get tempted. She has even had Bell Palsy (too bad we had already bought our Hong Kong tickets then. I remember I was a College Junior) which was her BIGGEST reason not to go out. People looked at her twisted face and right away thought "STROKE!" No, you idiots, it's Bell Palsy. Try asking first before blurting it out loud in her face.

Anyway, that's not to mention her YEARS of violating every rule we set for her. She would hide glasses of Coke, she would sneak in the kitchen for that white rice and even stash some chocolate in her headboard drawer. It all came back to bite her in the ass when her sugar level had been uncontrollable. It affected my dad because when he got home, he would see these crumbs all over like Hansel and Gretel were lurking in some corner in our house. It angered him, it made him frustrated and it made him love her and take care of her more. These past few years have been like a roller coaster for her. Switching doctors, taking and letting go of expensive medicine, coming and going to the hospital. I can't even imagine what she has been going through but I do remember us fighting over that hidden glass of coke and over that half teaspoon of sugar she put in her drink. I was the only who had the guts to raise my voice to her and remind her that we still needed her to be well. My brother and sister were easily swayed by her pity-me eyes but not me. I was always tough on her and thank God I was. Starting last year, because of my wedding, her sugar level has been normalized. It is now between 94 and 104 and very rarely would a spike occur. We were so proud of her! I would constantly remind her of that one trip they have to make back to the US to visit us and her potential apo.

The other night, I learned that her doctor had already given her an ultimatum... with her kidneys. KIDNEYS. Those you don't play with. Obviously, they were so focused on lowering her sugar level that they forgot about the sodium. So on the night before my cousin's weddi

ng, with dress and shoes ready, my mom had to go to the hospital after a vomiting feat at the bathroom. She thought it was something gastric but, no. It was her kidneys this time. And the doctor told her that if her creatinine level (which is a whopping 3.7!) doesn't go down by December this year, she would have to go through dialysis OR a kidney transplant.

I felt like I was being shot in the head but the bullet had somehow dislodged from the gun on its own. The thought of my mom going through that was enough to break me. I simply cannot fathom that vision of her lying in bed several times a week. Of course, I didn't cry while talking to her on the phone. I mean, I may make it sound worse than it really is. After all, she was still given 7 months to recuperate. But come to think of it, maybe SHE made it NOT sound as bad as it already is. Who knows? When you're 6,000 miles away from the news, you kind of take things differently than how you normally would if you were under the same roof. I rarely cry and that night I did. To Joen. I thought of Buttwipe. I so wanted to call her and ask her everything she knows about kidneys but I was too drained. I didn't sleep well that night. I wet my pillow until 4 o'clock in the morning while Joen snored his way to Dreamville beside me. I was finally able to chat with her about it last night after I got her voicemail. It feels good to have someone not only tell you that you're not alone, but to have that person understand the technicalities of the matter. 6,000 miles is but a distance, friendship goes beyond oceans. And although she was far from me, I felt her warm hug and sincere concern. She will talk to my mom about it and possibly tell her about her amazing doctor. I just appreciate the effort and I know my mom will. I was also able to chat with Jown about it. I always turn to her for my medical questions because she is able to explain things better.

I guess when everything is going so well, God always drops a little bit of grease on your plate of perfection to remind you that life is not to be taken for granted. If there is a word for fear of getting sick, that is what I have. I told Joen that I will try my darned best not to get sick regardless of my age and I need him to do it with me. My mom sounded A-ok on the phone, like all that was just a phase. But like the strong (read: stubborn) woman that she is, she swore never to let it happen. She swore never to succumb to dialysis or some transplant. We are all here for her and she knows it. But she is the end-all and be-all and this happens to be her biggest challenge yet.

I wonder what my biggest challenge will be.

Mom-bling Friday, June 01, 2007

Mom-bling
Friday, June 01, 2007